its been a month

I lost my Dad on 10th of May 2009. No mater how much you know and see it coming nothing can prepare you for this. My state of mind, I cant put in words. I want to believe he is here with me inside me, I talk to him sometimes but its spooky that he never walks in through the door. I see him everywhere, I can hear him in my ear, I want to wish him good morning and tell him that I love him. I hope he knows.

Its weird that this is the first time I am writing about this. 7 mins is all it takes for your world to change, the pillars come down in crashing in on you. You look at your mom, her loss much greater than yours and you pick yourself up, you believe you have. Its just both of us now Mom and I, strong and weak together, we will make it through, we will. 

Have I stopped questioning God. Now, its mellowed down. But I still cant fold my hands and pray in gratitude. I want to believe Ill see why someday, but I cant.

Its blurry as I look on. I know I should i just need to go one step at a time, but I dont know which side to head. I dont know if I am doing the right thing - playing the joker, playing the pester-er, playing the philosopher, playing a parent to my mom - yet sometimes pretending to sleep in her lap, just to be there as i lie awake thinking.

I wish he was here with me right now, Id be tucking him to bed, as we would chat about things insignificant for about 5 mins before he goes to sleep. We were happy, our world of 3.

I wanted inspiration to write, look what hes thrown at me.

UNTITLED

The world was calling with open arms, as I walked straight on to it,

With fire in my eyes and a mind to guide, to me there was no stopping

The spring in my walk, the twinkle in my eye,  the signs all alive by a promise-

Go on little one, venture your own, just look behind we will be standing by

I trudged along and fast made progress, I hope I looked back enough

To see and hug and thank you to make me see so much

Then one day I lost you and nothing has ever been the same

I try hard to move ahead but you see Iv forgotten  the game

I close my eyes and think of you and remember the words you'd spoken

I see you are here within me, your promise is not broken

With time I will rise and walk again, 

And smile right through the pain

With time you will see, when your here with me, 

I will master the world for thee.

Good night dad, I love you.